There's none so blind as those that cannot see

Hello my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.

I attended a GA meeting last night, on the way I was questioning the relevance of these meets as my thought process has recently changed regarding my "addiction".

They way they usually work is someone is nominated to be the chairperson for the night and speaks about their experiences and feelings, thoughts and actions. It sounds cosy and a bit questionable but as the meeting progressed the relevance of it became more and more apparent to me.

Not for the first time the thread of the meeting seemed focussed on the very questions I had been asking myself recently, regarding the question of powerlessness and abdication of responsibility, self justification and self pity. The structure was quite unusual in that the sharers (cosy term for contributors) followed a clockwise pattern round the table. Three previous speakers articulated their mindset, and their observations on their journey. It's an eclectic mix comprised of the young, the old, the brave and the bold, all different, all the same. These are people who have been dealing with their issues a lot longer than me so acquired wisdom should apply rather than inexperienced insights.

For some reason they all referred to the stage of their journey that I am at now as one of the most dangerous. The honeymoon period, the one whereby you convince yourself that the reason you gamble is as a result of your odious character, that you are now cured, that it's not really an illness. When one referred to the fact that this "addiction" is the only one that convinces you that you don't have it, it struck me, that's me this week. I  bored you with it yesterday and I still think it today.

Whether they or wrong or I am wrong is irrelevant, what really matters is that based on what I heard at the meeting I am now at a point of reasoning that these people were at before, and they returned to betting and gambling. No one told me what to do, or think, but I heard of the consequences of their "return to action" and the resultant desolation, and the rapid descent to rock bottom.

Rock bottom is a personal place, for some it is homelessness, for others it is loneliness and self hatred, for some it manifests itself in illegal activities, for me its a world devoid of hope, no will to wake up , no will to love, a mind that contracts so fast that I don't want to exist. I've been there and I don't want to return. I struggle to accept helplessness, addiction, but I now know that if I attend a meeting I feel better in my skin.  I can live with that, I'm not sure I can live with the other.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post, but that means fuck all.